So yesterday was a really bad day for me. It was one of those days where you're trying really hard to turn it around and obstacles keep being thrown in your face. Despite my hopeful post yesterday, by the end of the day I was a big ball of anger and sadness. I spent the night watching sad movies so I wouldn't feel so pathetic crying, which admittedly I don't do often enough. Though I was able to watch some really great (and emotional) movies, I should have been working on the stuff that I needed to get done.
I made a vow that at 11:00pm I would make my way to the library, which is conveniently open 24 hours now, and tackle the ever growing pile of homework I keep putting off.
I watched a movie, cried, hopped in the shower so tear tracks wouldn't show, got out and instead of getting in my car and driving the ten minutes to campus, I got right back into bed with some pizza.
With freaking pizza!! I'm trying so hard to stick to a diet and a workout plan. I find myself with no time to cook anymore, no time to workout, no way to relieve stress that keeps piling on.
More and more I keep thinking about going to counseling services and talking to a therapist. I have a big issue of keeping emotions in and it multiplies my stress unnecessarily. I shouldn't feel bad if I feel like I need to cry about my life. I shouldn't feel bad about being too happy about something that went right.
I really think if I organized a time into my schedule, a specific time where I go and talk to someone and let everything out, I may find myself with a lot less stress. However, I don't know if I would even talk. I could just sit there and twiddle my thumbs while ignoring the watchful eyes of someone who is expecting me to speak.
That wouldn't help.
Stress comes from emotions. My boyfriend, for example, has mastered the art of a carefree disposition. I'm not saying that he feels no emotion, it's just that he doesn't think things that usually cause stress are worth his worry. He rarely gets stressed. It's admirable, I want to be like that. I have no idea how to even start.
I tried yesterday with that post. I realize that a lot of my worries aren't worth much in the grand scheme of things. I realize that my life could be a lot worse and I could be dealing with issues so tough I couldn't even begin to imagine them.
I feel selfish a lot, when I spend time like this just... venting. I feel guilty if I let my emotions pile up until I eventually chat some poor person's ear off about the woes of my life. Yet, when people talk to me about their lives and the stress they are dealing with, I don't think they are selfish. When people vent to me I don't mind and I don't think they should feel guilty for doing so.
I wonder what the difference is? Maybe I don't trust myself, which is weird to think about. I know that if I get into a lazy state of mind, I laze hard. Just like if I get into an overachieving atmosphere, I work hard.
I should get over it. I should have a carefree disposition as well. How though?
Girl, a carefree disposition isn't something we can just GET, it's not a tangible object but a mindset that you can train yourself to enjoy. I think what you're doing, spending time by yourself and getting all these negative emotions out, is perfectly fine and healthy even. It's so much better than keeping it all inside. You know you get five free visits to CAPS as an OSU student right? Being a public health major, I know all about stigmas and stereotypes about going to see shrinks and what not. It shouldn't be that way. After I learned that 1 in 4 people have a mental disorder in varying degrees, I've gone in for counseling myself when I was feeling super stressed and emotional. They didn't prescribe any magical cure but it helped me to process my thoughts out loud. I encourage you to try it! And of course, I'm here for you! I'm here for everyone but I can't force people to talk to me if they don't want to :) Love ya and thanks for all that you do!
ReplyDeleteIts ok to stop and breakdown once in awhile Caitlin... its human. Guilt is a wasted emotion and certainly you shouldnt feel guilty for taking time for yourself, which you rarely if ever do. Perhaps the cause of the stress?
ReplyDeleteIve been meditating. It really helps. Did you know the brain doesn't know the difference between a mental vacation and a physical one? really! Ill get you a book. I want you to try relaxing and not doing or thinking for at least a little bit of your waking time each day.
I love you and as always am amazed by your strength.
Mom
Kalong: Love you too!! Working with my documentary last year I realized the stigmas behind seeking counseling too....its still really hard for me to open up but I definitely think I'm going to do it. And in return, I'm here for you as well...so feel free to call/text/message if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteMom: I get my strength from you. I realize that I need more time to myself and am really hoping to learn how to balance my life more efficiently. I'm super excited for this weekend though : )
Love you!
Caity
ReplyDeleteSweetie, don't ever feel bad about reaching out & asking or getting help! It's the wise who asks for help, & the weak who don't.
So go see someone if that's what you need. It can be a friend or a professional it's really up to you. This Blog & writing out what your feeling can also help, so just keep getting your thoughts out there, whatever way works best for you.
Meditation is also a Good idea! I meditate every day & it helps alot. I have several books & tapes on & about Meditation just ask.
Love ya Ofelia
Start each day with a SMILE,
& End it with Meditation.
i lubs yous line sis.
ReplyDeletei know you have a hard time right now and its super frustration because of dpo stuff.
but its all over with.
and i <3 you. don't hesitate to holler at yo girl. im sisterhood. thats what i do. lol and im your line number 7 above all! love you.